Thursday, 10 July 2008

The Final Countdown

I have decided to have a break from this blog, as I no longer feel it is doing me any good. The more I think I will post certain things, the more I start to get upset, so it's probably best that I try and get away from the infidelity mindset as much as possible and not keep it so much in the forefront of my thoughts. Also, life is starting to get in the way again so I rarely have time to keep the blog up to date anyway. Not that much is happening now. I think most of the issues I had are dissipating. I don't want to speak too soon, of course. I know I've been there and done that before! I appreciate that the menopausal issues were playing a rather large part in the way I was feeling, so, as I touched on in my previous post, I started on HRT. Quite quickly the hot flushes started to ease off and overall I am beginning to feel a lot better. I knew that the hormonal rollercoaster was partly to blame, but I didn't know to what extent. The previous HRT I tried did not have any positive effect on my symptoms, which is why I came off it, but this one (a patch changed weekly) is much better. Now I can think more clearly and can rationalise certain things much better, which is helping me to achieve a better state of mind.

While waiting for this emotional rollercoaster to slow down, I continued to over-analyse and over-react to certain things, which usually sent me into another depression, which would again make me wonder if I should just cut my losses and go. Things went a bit downhill following the incidents surrounding my birthday in March, but that soon picked up, but I couldn't help putting reasons behind everything K was doing or saying. I connected everything back to the affair and my imagination was working overtime, and I continued to look back to mistakes in our pre-affair relationship, especially when K started to look like he was slipping into the 'old ways' again. It was all very exhausting. Even though I have my off-moments now, when I read through my notebook journal, it makes me realise how bad I really was. So, mostly it's OK now, with the odd blip.

One of these blips happened a few weeks ago. As you may know, K and I work for the same company, although in different offices. At the beginning of this year, K had a new computer, which it was my job to set up. When I was backing up his documents, I did a bit of snooping (he'd had the day off). Stuck in a little-used folder way down in the documents directory was a file named 'thtxt.doc', which was created in August 2006. K was still working in the university office at that time, so he had obviously brought it over with all his other work when he moved to this office at the end of 2006. I opened the file and it consisted of three lines of text, obviously transcribed from a text message, which at that time were still going on. Written in text-speak, which I won't use here, it said something along the lines of, "MDK please do mail when can. Whatever happens I will always love you. Miss your bright eyes, kiss your smooth cheeks, your tender lips, hug your refined bod." I say 'something along the lines of', as I can't now refer to it as it's since been destroyed. At the time I discovered it, I printed it off and put it away in a safe place, deleted the file from the computer, and never let it bother me. A few weeks ago, I recalled it and decided to mention it to K and asked him what it was all about, and why he chose to transcribe this particular message. Unbelievably (to me anyway), he could not remember doing it, and certainly couldn't remember what he'd said to her to elicit these comments! I know it's from two years ago, but I was absolutely dumbfounded, but he assured me that he wasn't making excuses. I know that some waywards use the 'can't remember' card when they don't want to tell something, but I really do believe he was being honest. Why, indeed, would he not want to tell me this, when he answered all my other questions with absolute openness and honesty, some of which would have had far more serious consequences than this issue. I am certainly now of the opinion that he hadn't invested as much into their relationship as T obviously had.

There has been the odd funny moment, too. A few weeks ago, we met at lunchtime and went into Marks and Spencers to pick up a sandwich. We hadn't been in there for some time, as we now have a bread machine and we've been making our own sandwiches. K is rather fond of their pastries, and on this particular occasion he said, "Oohh, I haven't had a tart for ages". I felt like saying, "What about that one two years ago?", but I bit my tongue!!

The triggers still cause me some disturbance. Just about every day there is something Polish, either in the news, on the radio, TV, trucks on the motorway, etc. Recently, there was a repeat of a TV series from last year, where the presenter, Michael Palin (ex Monty Python) was travelling through Eastern Europe. I happened to turn to the channel by accident while I was in the spare bedroom ironing, but instead of switching over, I decided to watch it. It was, coincidentally, the episode where he travels through Ukraine and Poland. K walked in the room as I was watching the programme, stopped to register what was on, and then walked out of the room without saying a word. When challenged later, he did say he wondered why I was watching it. He understood when I explained why. He did say that he'd wanted to watch that series, but gave it a miss as he thought it would upset me. I've decided that the only way to eliminate the bad feelings initiated by these triggers is to embrace them; try to disassociate them from the affair; look at them in a new way. I need to get to a point where I don't react emotionally to the triggers. I have made a little progress in this, partly due to a book that I have been reading, Essential Help for your Nerves, by Claire Weekes, which is helping me to change the way that I am thinking. K has often been quite amazed when I tell him that I get a reminder just about every day. It was only when, one day a few weeks ago, some reference to Poland came on the radio shortly after we'd been discussing this, that he realised I wasn't making it up. He said he now understood and held my hand.

Another trigger was the place we went on holiday in 2006. It seems that everything that happened in 2006 is just one big trigger, and I had extremely bad feelings about the place, so I wanted to replace that memory with a better one. When we were there two years ago, all the text messages and emails were still in full force (although not while we were actually there, as K had bought a new phone by then and left his 'affair-mobile' at work). It was also the start of my many health issues, although I wasn't yet aware that I was menopausal. Anyway, we decided to kill those demons by going again this year, and we went in June for a couple of weeks camping. We had a fabulous time and I really felt that this was a major turning point.

The 'brain fog' that I have been under for so long has made me do some crazy things at times. Some members of the Marriage Builders forum have posted about their obsession with the affair partner and I can totally relate to this. I know that T should really not be entering my thoughts as much as she has been, but I have, in my darker moments, searched the Internet for any trace of her - on the social networking sites, on the marriage scam websites, etc. I haven't, so far, found any trace of her, but on one of my manic quests some weeks ago, I managed to find a lot more information about her on her school's website, including her school email address. Up until then I only had her web-based email - the one I found when I logged into K's old university email account in October 2006. And, alongside her email address were the email addresses of all the other teachers in the school! I almost sent them all a message informing them what a bitch they had in their midst!!

I already knew about her school website, as I was aware of its name and location from when K was involved in the project, but I had never discovered the staff details section before. I had long since discovered the photo gallery, though, which became another target of my obsession. I went through pages and pages of images, trying to find photos of her. I don't know what made me want to do this, as it only made me more depressed. I downloaded some photos - not quite sure why. They are now deleted from my computer, but here she is in all her glory.


Seems she no longer wanted to be a blonde! Perhaps they don't have more fun after all!!

4 comments:

akakarma said...

You've done a wonderful job dealing with a difficult situation! I wish you all the happiness and peace of mind that you well deserve in the future. Thanks for writing and being a fellow survivor.It's okay to have angry thoughts- you are perfectly normal and it does really get less and less over time.Good luck to you!

Survived said...

Thank you, karma.

It took me a while, but I am slowly realising that it does, eventually, get better. I now know that I can overcome the upsetting thoughts more easily, and this gives me more hope that it will get even better as time goes on. It's not eliminating the thoughts completely, as I was foolishly hoping would happen, but thinking about them in a different way that is the key, but I have been struggling to do that up until now.

Who knows, I may return at some point, and just journal my thoughts, but for now I really need to have a break.

All the best to you.

starrlife said...

Please come visit my new blog at starrlife.wordpress.com. I've moved away from this particular topic and branched out a bit! Hope all is well.

Survived said...

Hi Starr. Thanks for looking in. I will certainly visit your new blog. I have been doing fairly well, with a few blips here and there, but mostly I've been concentrating on improving myself. I am still not sure how this is all going to end - this 'menopause madness' is driving me crazy.