Since my previous post, I have been taking stock of the situation and attempting (as far as I am able) to think more clearly about all the stuff still preying on my mind; assessing where I'm going wrong; and trying to formulate a plan to bring it all to an end, by whatever means possible. I have come to certain conclusions as to what MAY be causing these ups and downs, so I need to attack those things head-on, otherwise I will never recover, either mentally or physically. Apart from the hormonal rollercoaster, there are certain things that I believe are contributing to my inability to fully recover and really enjoy life. This may all sound very crazy to some people, but believe me, if you've lived through something like this, anything is possible. I don't think I'm unique in having these obsessions, according to things I've read.
Yesterday was a very bad day. We were supposed to be starting our new health regime by going swimming after work, but that was cancelled as I woke with a bit of a headache which never really went away, despite taking painkillers. Later in the day I started to feel quite nauseous and we had to leave work early. I did later manage to eat a little food and when K went to watch some football I decided that I had to make a start on addressing my problems. I rested on the bed and thought about the major stumbling blocks holding me back and what could be done about them. I have been quite emotional for a few days now, so trying to think clearly did not come too easily.
Firstly, I needed to address my very unhealthy obsession with T - which includes her motive for the affair (as I have assumed, correctly or incorrectly), but also her subsequent actions when it was ended, and mainly revolves around the comments in her emails, particularly the veiled insult towards me in one of her final emails (I think this may be one of the major stumbling blocks in all of this). So, on this score, I have now moved all the emails (which had been printed off and were sitting in my bedside drawer, and looked at on a fairly regular basis), placing them in a sealed envelope in a place where I do not regularly look. I initially kept them for the purpose of producing them as evidence of harassment if she'd carried on with these emails, but at least they are still available should she decide to start up again. I know if I really wanted to continue looking at them they are reproduced on the other blog, but at least there they have my responses to her ramblings, which makes me feel a little better about them. I should, perhaps, try looking at these emails (and T) in a different light - see if I can bring myself to give her the benefit of the doubt. She may, after all, have been quite genuine in her obsession with K, and genuinely distraught when it ended. Perhaps my thinking could be changed to feel some empathy towards her. We'll see - I'll have to really work on that one.
Next are the anniversary trigger dates, which I can just about remember without too much prompting (e.g. in February two years ago, there was the incident with the 'icy stare' from T, when we all met up to go out for the evening when the group was over here. And one year ago this week, K received one of the final emails from T). All the pertinent dates (when K was over there, or they were over here) were marked in my diary pages of 2006, which, for some reason, I had held on to. I occasionally looked through the pages (they were with the emails) and noted certain dates that jumped out at me as being significant anniversary dates. I was under the impression that this was not causing me any problems. So, to address this issue, last night I had a 'shredding ceremony' where the diary pages went through the paper shredder. I would have liked to have burned them in the chimenea, but it was quite cold out, and getting a bit late to be outside trying to light a fire!
Even after doing only those two simple things I immediately felt a lightness I haven't felt in a long time. The lightness wasn't to last, though, as I had an absolutely horrendous night, waking at about 1.30 and not being able to get back to sleep at all. At 3am I just burst into tears (again) and went to make a hot drink. A short time later K came down and persuaded me to come back to bed. I thought I would never stop crying - it was awful. Why does sleep elude me like this? We just laid there holding hands and eventually somehow fell asleep. I had cancelled the alarm, which normally goes off at 5.50, thinking we would probably be awake by then anyway, but was amazed when I finally awoke at 7.15. I still felt like death warmed up, and was in two minds whether to go to work or not, but after a shower and breakfast I felt I could face the day, albeit my eyes didn't quite feel fully open. I've managed to get through the day OK.
Next on the list is to address the health issues, or at least try to. I am still taking loads of supplements, but I don't know whether they are just not having any effect, whether I'm taking the correct ones, or whether I'm simply not absorbing them properly. I have ditched the nutritionist for now, but I had been thinking of trying acupuncture, as I'd read that it can help with menopause issues and insomnia, so today I found a clinic in the centre of town where I work and I have booked in for a treatment next week, so we'll see how that goes. I'm certainly avoiding HRT if at all possible, although I almost admitted defeat the other day. To get the fitness regime started, we are going out for a nice walk tomorrow in the fresh air, and we may possibly try and fit in the swimming as well on Sunday morning, depending how I feel on waking. If not, we will go one night after work next week, as we'd intended yesterday, to the one in town. I am also trying to go on the exercise bike a couple of times a day. Once the weather gets better, we will get the proper bikes out. So, some action there.
Looking at this more logically, and feeling a bit more at ease today, I don't think I need to get away - I think that was just a knee-jerk reaction to the way I am feeling at the moment, brought on by hormonal imbalance and extreme fatigue. I have to remember to look above and beyond the immediate feelings. I'm already feeling a bit more confident of better things to come. I just hope this confidence will last! And that the better things do arrive!!