I can't stop it! Why, oh why, do I keep on with this? It's so infuriating to be constantly in a whirl about things that may never happen, or still fretting over things from the past. I thought that writing the other blog would purge this remaining anger, but still I keep thinking that I would really like to go over there and give her a good slap. I am retaining far too much resentment over this - and I think some of it is towards K, and not just T. I've been losing my temper at really trivial things (probably the hormones at fault here), which makes K flare up and then we're not in the best of moods again. Then my imagination really does run riot, and I think that I really would be better off out of it and start to plan my means of escape from this torment. Trouble is, I still don't know whether I am fully able to decide whether this is the right choice or not. And would the torment go away if I was on my own?
Early on in this nightmare I was very tempted to leave (several times), but thought perhaps it was not the time to make such a rash decision, when all the emotions were very raw. I tried to concentrate on the good times and put the bad times behind me, but they always came back to haunt me, as they appear to be doing now. We're not exactly falling back into old habits - it is 100% better than our 'old' marriage - but we're just not quite there yet in terms of having a 'perfect' relationship (whatever that is). I just wish I could turn off my brain for a short while.
Perhaps it's the hormones. Perhaps it's because I'm so exhausted through not sleeping. Perhaps I will just never fully get over this. I don't know which way to turn. I just wish it would end.