Friday, 22 February 2008

Closer to closure

Although I feel a lot more settled now, I have been thinking long and hard about why I still get this anxiety now and again. If it is affair related and not hormonal, I want to get to the bottom of it so that I can deal with it and move on. What's really bothering me with all this? Why can't I just settle down and get on with life? Why does T bother me so much? Why do I keep running imaginary situations through my mind? I keep thinking the project will resume and I dream up different scenarios as to what might or might not happen if it did? Could I get T replaced with a different translator? Could I prevent K participating? Could I play a role in the project this time, and watch over what happens? It's all very exhausting. THIS THREAD on Marriage Builders gives some insight as to why we obsess over the mistress so much. It's not just me, apparently, who goes through this obsession.

So, first and foremost, I need to get to work on eliminating this obsession with T, and what she may or may not do in the future. I do understand that when she is in my thoughts, she is controlling my life, rather than me controlling my own life. She will not do this to me any longer - she will no longer hold that power.

Turning my attention to home, I have been trying to think if there is still something that K has or has not done which may still be bugging me and that I need to deal with. Perhaps I've been transferring all my anger to T and not dealing with the real issues here. Perhaps that's why I've been on the verge of leaving so many times when the slightest thing happens to upset me. So, I've done some deep thinking and tried to be logical about it. There are still a couple of sticking points that keep cropping up, but I am loathe to bring them up again and again. Perhaps we never worked through them properly. Perhaps they are things I just need to forget and not worry about. I am trying to remember that K deals with things in a totally different way. I think he did feel remorse and guilt; he just didn't show it too well.

I don't think I've cried for almost two weeks now! That's a feat in itself. I'm also undergoing a course of acupuncture, which I have to admit appears to have made a little difference to my sleeping (after only two sessions). I still wake up in the night, but somehow I feel more rested in the morning. Perhaps all the supplements are now having an effect too. I think it's a possibility that I haven't been absorbing them properly, with all the turmoil my system has had over the past two years. I certainly feel a bit more alive, although I was quite tired last night and fell asleep in front of the telly again. I am conscious that I have to take it easy so that my already-lowered adrenal function does not suffer even more. We have started to go out walking at the weekend, and that has been very invigorating. At first I was reluctant and would have been quite happy to potter around the house all day, but I forced myself and I am really glad I did. I'm looking forward to this weekend's trip now. I'm not sure where we're going yet, but we have had two trips to the Yorkshire Dales (pics will follow), so it may be somewhere different this week.

I haven't heard any MPeople songs for some time and this one was played as we were on our way to work the other day. I bought the album (Bizarre Fruit II) when it was released (1995), and this song always inspired me. I think I was in a personal development phase at the time. Heather Small, she of the 'big hair', has a very powerful voice. I wasn't sure whether the band, from Manchester, England, were still going, but looking at one of their fansites, I see that one of the tour dates last year was in Poland!! (You see, I can't get away from this, even doing the most innocuous of things) Anyway, I was quite uplifted when I heard it again, and I have been humming it to myself ever since to see if it might lift me up some more. Mind you, the following song was 'Heartbreaker' by Dionne Warwick!! Sometimes you just can't win.

Sometimes the river flows but nothing breathes.
A train arrives but never leaves.
It’s a shame.
Oh life - like love that walks out of the door,
Of being rich or being poor.
Such a shame.
But it’s then, then that faith arrives
To make you feel at least alive.
And that’s why you should keep on aiming high,
Just seek yourself and you will shine.

You’ve go to search for the hero inside yourself,
Search for the secrets you hide.
Search for the hero inside yourself
Until you find the key to your life.

In this life, long and hard though it may seem,
Live it as you’d live a dream.
Aim so high.
Just keep the flame of truth burning bright.
The missing treasure you must find
Because you and only you alone
Can build a bridge across the stream.
Weave your spell in life’s rich tapestry -
Your passport to a feel supreme.

You’ve go to search for the hero inside yourself,
Search for the secrets you hide.
Search for the hero inside yourself
Until you find the key to your life.


Meg said...

I have one word for you, xanax.

Whatever is causing your anxiety...take the lowest dose that you can handle and you'll feel much better. Otherwise, you end up constantly nervous and it NEVER goes away!

It's awful, isn't it?


Survived said...

Thanks Meg. I did try ADs some time ago, but stopped them for a variety of reasons. I didn't want to become dependent on them, they made my insomnia worse, and they knocked off my already flagging libido.

I'm doing OK, actually. I certainly seem to have longer periods of being OK than I used to. I think sometimes I'm just so tired that everything bothers me. I had a bit of a cry at the weekend, but it soon passed and I feel more settled again. I guess it takes time.

akakarma said...

Great song! Anger stage is tough...