I have adopted this new motto to help me stop obsessing about the affair. I've decided that I must stop worrying about the events of the past couple of years, stop obsessing about T, especially now that I have done my 'reply' to her emails, and stop with all the information on how to survive infidelity. Whenever I start to think these overwhelming negative thoughts, I just say to myself, "It's not important" and try to replace them with better thoughts - not easy, but at least I'm trying now, whereas previously I was letting the negative thoughts win. As I entered this new phase, I decided to have a new display name and profile tag line. I am no longer 'just surviving' - I think I have well and truly survived! And I think I have come to terms with it all now, so I am moving into this new future in a better frame of mind.
I had a bit of a setback with this process the other night when I had trouble actually getting to sleep (normally I can drop off OK - it's the waking later in the night that's the problem, and sometimes not getting back to sleep again). This was my overactive imagination at work. I have always had a habit of creating scenarios in my head. Sometimes this helps in problem solving, and sometimes it's a means of escape from everyday life: imagining all sorts of weird and wonderful events! I've done this all my life. Anyway, the other night I was dreaming up an imaginary scenario where the project started up again and I was arguing with our boss about whether K should be involved, and writing to the project leader in Poland trying to get T replaced as translator. This all came about because I remembered there was talk that there may be a second phase of the project after about a year/18 months (but it depends on funding). I started to panic that something might happen soon and I was just working through in my head what I would do if it did - trying to figure out all the alternatives if boss didn't agree. I like to be prepared for any eventuality. Of course, it was totally the wrong thing to go to sleep on!! It must have taken me almost two hours to drop off, but I was still awake again a couple of hours later, and again a bit later. Needless to say, I wasn't too good the next day!! So, this fired my resolve to start changing my thinking.
So what has made me reach this turning point? Probably the most important reason is for my health and well-being. All this stress was really dragging me down, as well as having to cope with the hormonal rollercoaster as well. At least my other gynaecological issue (mentioned a couple of posts ago) seems to have been sorted out. I have been on various pills and potions since May 2006 and it's not been fun, but I think I am almost at the point of conquering the health issues. At least I hope so, because I can't go on with the disturbed sleep for much longer. The mood swings seem to be easing a bit now - I can go longer without a major breakdown and they don't last as long. I have some more supplements arriving this week, which I hope will sort me out a bit more, and I see my nutritionist on Thursday for the results of some tests I had to see if I have an adrenal fatigue problem. I think it will be my last appointment, as it's cost me a small fortune over the last six months in consultation fees and supplements and tests and dietary extras. I think I now know what needs to be done.
Sleep is still the main problem, coupled with the hot flushes. Some nights are better than others. I have discovered that alcohol doesn't help with the flushing, especially at night, so I have cut back - not that I drank a lot anyway. I have been trying a sleep CD, but it hasn't worked very well and I'm returning that for a refund, but I have another meditation/relaxation tape, which I have had for some time, and which did help a little when I last used it (mid 2006, after discovering the text messages and before I discovered the affair had been physical and not just emotional) so I may try that again. I'm not sure, though, if meditation techniques will work if there's some underlying physical condition at play. We'll see. I think I just need to calm down more and stop worrying about stuff - it's something I've always done, but it's never affected me as much as this. I seem to be turning this into a health blog!!
Where has the time gone? I can't believe it's our 26th wedding anniversary this month - it doesn't feel so long ago it was our 25th. I certainly feel much better about this one.