Tuesday, 11 November 2008

Can you believe it??!!!

I had a bit of a shock the other day. I opened my Hotmail account, which I only use for certain things, such as online ordering, etc, and there was a message from T!! I had used that account to contact her in 2006, following my discovery of an email from her in K's account, so I presume I must still be in her contact list.

It was in Polish, so I ran it through an online translator and it turned out to be an invitation to be her friend on a social networking site that she's just joined (she's obviously on the lookout for her next victim!). She must have clicked to send an invitation to all her contacts without realising that it would come to me.

I must admit I went into a bit of a panic at first. K was quite dumbfounded and doubted that she would do it on purpose (we didn't know what it was all about at that time). I was going to ignore it, but once I discovered its meaning, I decided that I did not want these random emails turning up every now and again, every time she hits a button to mail all her contacts, so I emailed her a polite 'take-me-off-your-contact-list' message with an instruction that I never want to receive any communication from her again. I haven't had a reply so far.

Thursday, 10 July 2008

The Final Countdown

I have decided to have a break from this blog, as I no longer feel it is doing me any good. The more I think I will post certain things, the more I start to get upset, so it's probably best that I try and get away from the infidelity mindset as much as possible and not keep it so much in the forefront of my thoughts. Also, life is starting to get in the way again so I rarely have time to keep the blog up to date anyway. Not that much is happening now. I think most of the issues I had are dissipating. I don't want to speak too soon, of course. I know I've been there and done that before! I appreciate that the menopausal issues were playing a rather large part in the way I was feeling, so, as I touched on in my previous post, I started on HRT. Quite quickly the hot flushes started to ease off and overall I am beginning to feel a lot better. I knew that the hormonal rollercoaster was partly to blame, but I didn't know to what extent. The previous HRT I tried did not have any positive effect on my symptoms, which is why I came off it, but this one (a patch changed weekly) is much better. Now I can think more clearly and can rationalise certain things much better, which is helping me to achieve a better state of mind.

While waiting for this emotional rollercoaster to slow down, I continued to over-analyse and over-react to certain things, which usually sent me into another depression, which would again make me wonder if I should just cut my losses and go. Things went a bit downhill following the incidents surrounding my birthday in March, but that soon picked up, but I couldn't help putting reasons behind everything K was doing or saying. I connected everything back to the affair and my imagination was working overtime, and I continued to look back to mistakes in our pre-affair relationship, especially when K started to look like he was slipping into the 'old ways' again. It was all very exhausting. Even though I have my off-moments now, when I read through my notebook journal, it makes me realise how bad I really was. So, mostly it's OK now, with the odd blip.

One of these blips happened a few weeks ago. As you may know, K and I work for the same company, although in different offices. At the beginning of this year, K had a new computer, which it was my job to set up. When I was backing up his documents, I did a bit of snooping (he'd had the day off). Stuck in a little-used folder way down in the documents directory was a file named 'thtxt.doc', which was created in August 2006. K was still working in the university office at that time, so he had obviously brought it over with all his other work when he moved to this office at the end of 2006. I opened the file and it consisted of three lines of text, obviously transcribed from a text message, which at that time were still going on. Written in text-speak, which I won't use here, it said something along the lines of, "MDK please do mail when can. Whatever happens I will always love you. Miss your bright eyes, kiss your smooth cheeks, your tender lips, hug your refined bod." I say 'something along the lines of', as I can't now refer to it as it's since been destroyed. At the time I discovered it, I printed it off and put it away in a safe place, deleted the file from the computer, and never let it bother me. A few weeks ago, I recalled it and decided to mention it to K and asked him what it was all about, and why he chose to transcribe this particular message. Unbelievably (to me anyway), he could not remember doing it, and certainly couldn't remember what he'd said to her to elicit these comments! I know it's from two years ago, but I was absolutely dumbfounded, but he assured me that he wasn't making excuses. I know that some waywards use the 'can't remember' card when they don't want to tell something, but I really do believe he was being honest. Why, indeed, would he not want to tell me this, when he answered all my other questions with absolute openness and honesty, some of which would have had far more serious consequences than this issue. I am certainly now of the opinion that he hadn't invested as much into their relationship as T obviously had.

There has been the odd funny moment, too. A few weeks ago, we met at lunchtime and went into Marks and Spencers to pick up a sandwich. We hadn't been in there for some time, as we now have a bread machine and we've been making our own sandwiches. K is rather fond of their pastries, and on this particular occasion he said, "Oohh, I haven't had a tart for ages". I felt like saying, "What about that one two years ago?", but I bit my tongue!!

The triggers still cause me some disturbance. Just about every day there is something Polish, either in the news, on the radio, TV, trucks on the motorway, etc. Recently, there was a repeat of a TV series from last year, where the presenter, Michael Palin (ex Monty Python) was travelling through Eastern Europe. I happened to turn to the channel by accident while I was in the spare bedroom ironing, but instead of switching over, I decided to watch it. It was, coincidentally, the episode where he travels through Ukraine and Poland. K walked in the room as I was watching the programme, stopped to register what was on, and then walked out of the room without saying a word. When challenged later, he did say he wondered why I was watching it. He understood when I explained why. He did say that he'd wanted to watch that series, but gave it a miss as he thought it would upset me. I've decided that the only way to eliminate the bad feelings initiated by these triggers is to embrace them; try to disassociate them from the affair; look at them in a new way. I need to get to a point where I don't react emotionally to the triggers. I have made a little progress in this, partly due to a book that I have been reading, Essential Help for your Nerves, by Claire Weekes, which is helping me to change the way that I am thinking. K has often been quite amazed when I tell him that I get a reminder just about every day. It was only when, one day a few weeks ago, some reference to Poland came on the radio shortly after we'd been discussing this, that he realised I wasn't making it up. He said he now understood and held my hand.

Another trigger was the place we went on holiday in 2006. It seems that everything that happened in 2006 is just one big trigger, and I had extremely bad feelings about the place, so I wanted to replace that memory with a better one. When we were there two years ago, all the text messages and emails were still in full force (although not while we were actually there, as K had bought a new phone by then and left his 'affair-mobile' at work). It was also the start of my many health issues, although I wasn't yet aware that I was menopausal. Anyway, we decided to kill those demons by going again this year, and we went in June for a couple of weeks camping. We had a fabulous time and I really felt that this was a major turning point.

The 'brain fog' that I have been under for so long has made me do some crazy things at times. Some members of the Marriage Builders forum have posted about their obsession with the affair partner and I can totally relate to this. I know that T should really not be entering my thoughts as much as she has been, but I have, in my darker moments, searched the Internet for any trace of her - on the social networking sites, on the marriage scam websites, etc. I haven't, so far, found any trace of her, but on one of my manic quests some weeks ago, I managed to find a lot more information about her on her school's website, including her school email address. Up until then I only had her web-based email - the one I found when I logged into K's old university email account in October 2006. And, alongside her email address were the email addresses of all the other teachers in the school! I almost sent them all a message informing them what a bitch they had in their midst!!

I already knew about her school website, as I was aware of its name and location from when K was involved in the project, but I had never discovered the staff details section before. I had long since discovered the photo gallery, though, which became another target of my obsession. I went through pages and pages of images, trying to find photos of her. I don't know what made me want to do this, as it only made me more depressed. I downloaded some photos - not quite sure why. They are now deleted from my computer, but here she is in all her glory.


Seems she no longer wanted to be a blonde! Perhaps they don't have more fun after all!!

Saturday, 17 May 2008

Let's go round again

I can't believe how long it is since I last posted. I've still been on and off the rollercoaster and occasionally struggling to keep going. The irrational, obsessive thoughts and the tears keep returning. I do, however, feel a bit more settled emotionally. I realise that I have had similar episodes in the past, and then dropped like a brick again, but it is getting better. I still have moments when I wonder how to get through the day, but these episodes now last hours rather than two or three days. I don't know why I still ruminate over the events of the past two years. One day I can be fine; no drop in mood, triggers not affecting me, and then BAM, I'm at rock bottom again, working over all the details in my head again. I 'know' that I just need to change my way of thinking, but it's the 'doing' it that has been the problem in this instance. All this assessing and analysing has been driving me crazy. I just wanted to get to the bottom of it and be done, but I didn't have a clue what was bugging me. Is the problem T or K? One problem, I think, is that I am angry at myself - angry that I was blindsided and that I didn't make an effort early on to check up on K's stories. I am angry that I didn't take a more proactive course of action. I am angry that I wasn't in control of the situation. I am angry that K still carried on the affair while I became more ill with the stress and the menopause. I am angry at the way the affair ended - very drawn out, with K wanting to pacify T before helping me to heal (if he was even aware that I would need any help to recover). There are still many missing links in the affair story, but I am trying to put them aside as things not needed in order to move on in our relationship.

I think the priority is to make sure that we do not make the same mistakes in our relationship again. I think we are managing this for the most part, but occasionally something happens that makes me wonder where we are headed. I don't know whether my expectations are too high, and that is why I over-react. Take, for instance, some issues that happened around my birthday back in March. The first incident involved my birthday present. When K asked what I would like for my birthday, I said I would like a silk/cotton-mix nightdress similar to one I already have, which I had ordered online a few weeks previously (and which felt really cool, helping to alleviate the effect of the hot flushes), so he placed the order. The following Saturday (which was a few days before my actual birthday) the postman rang the doorbell and K went to answer. He came back into the kitchen and simply handed me the delivery bag containing the item and then walked straight back to what he had been doing. No 'Happy Birthday' or 'Here's your present' - not a word - it was simply thrust into my hand as he was passing! I was most put out, especially after the thought I had put into K's birthday last year. Apart from giving him some money towards some clothing he had purchased, I had ordered a book that I knew he would like (not an expensive gift, but at least I had put some thought into it) and wrapped it up and gave it to him with a lovely card (which is still on display!), so that it was a surprise on his actual birthday. Now it has to be said, we have never gone overboard on birthdays before - normally giving cash towards something has been the norm - but as I had done something different for his birthday, which he really appreciated, I naturally thought that he would remember this and do something similar for mine, making it more special. Anyway, as he walked away, I burst into tears. I hadn't done this purposely to make him feel bad, but of course, once I explained my reason, he realised the enormity of this oversight and apologised profusely.

The second incident happened when we went for my birthday meal at a very nice restaurant in a neighbouring town. We have been to this same place a couple of times previously on special occasions and we really enjoy it. Anway, we were choosing dessert and there was some conflicting information about one of the choices that I misunderstood initially. Now, you might wonder how choosing a dessert would start an argument, but it was incredible how it escalated. I won't go into too much detail, but the gist is that K started to explain what it was about, but I still could not understand the combination of choices available. K's usual method of dealing with someone not understanding something is to explain it in exactly the same way but in a more forceful tone - tending to lose his patience if you don't get it first time. This, of course, sent me into a spin again, thinking he had learned nothing from all this trauma he had caused. There were very few other people dining, and I could hear one of the conversations going on at an adjoining table, so I knew that they would be able to hear our 'disagreement'. I had to ask K to stop, but I was already not now enjoying my lunch outing. He kept on trying to explain about the menu, despite my asking him to stop, eager to get his point across and make me understand it. So, after the meal we came home and I was again in tears.

In contrast, and to show that K can be quite thoughtful, in between these two incidents, I noticed another email from the company stating that an item had been despatched and I thought that a second email had been sent by mistake regarding the nightdress previously received. I deleted the email without studying it in detail. A couple of days later a parcel arrived and K handed it to me with a bit more thought than the first one. I opened it and inside was a silk parcel with a huge ribbon and inside this was a gorgeous pure silk shirt. This was what the second email had been about. So, he had ordered this as a surprise and to make up for the way he had given me the first gift.

March was not a good month in other ways, as I happened to recall that it had been exactly a year since T's final email (out of the dozens she sent in expectation of a response from K following the end of the affair) and I wondered if she might suddenly come out of the woodwork again. I'm not sure how, as she doesn't have K's new work email, but it was a fear I had, and I still think she might reappear at some time in the future. I didn't really want to be remembering the anniversaries beyond one year, but May is the two-year anniversary of when I found the text messages on K's phone. And it was this very week two years ago that K stayed at the hotel where they had their secret midnight trysts. This hasn't actually had the same effect on me as it did last year, so I can see a future where these triggers will not be quite as significant as they are now. In fact, it almost went by unnoticed. I am trying to 'reclaim' as many experiences as possible in order to take the edge off these negative thoughts. Last October I wrote about our trip to the Lake District. I had wanted to go there again so that I had better memories about the place, as it was following my trip there the previous year (when K was over in the Ukraine on one of the project trips) that I discovered their relationship had been more than I had been led to believe. Similarly, our main holiday this year will be to the same place as two years ago. I was, at that time, under the impression that K had ended all personal exchanges with T, but I later found out that they had slept together the week before we went on holiday (when the Polish/Ukrainian group was over here on one of the project visits). Also at that time, I was troubled with various health problems (caused, I think, by the ongoing stress that they were still in contact due to the project), and I did not really have a great time on that holiday. So, every time I think about that time and place it causes me some anguish, which is why we're off there again - to make happier memories to look back on. K fully understands my point of view about this. The next trigger reclaim will probably be a trip to Poland, but that may not be for some time.

To be fair, K has slowly (eventually) come to realise the enormity of what this has done to me. There are still setbacks, as I've highlighted above, but on the whole we are doing good and he is expressing more remorse and understanding. I think his initial apparent indifference after ending the affair was simply his way of dealing with his own demons - not wanting to dwell on things - but I assumed he was simply being insensitive to my needs for recovery. I suppose in a way we were both making the wrong assumptions about the other's actions. After one particularly tearful episode (around the time of my birthday) I expressed my continuing disbelief about how he could have continued the affair behind my back while still expressing his love for me. K admitted that he was being incredibly selfish during that time and was so sorry for all the hurt I went through. For K, this was a huge thing to say. He has never been one to open up and give anything away about how he's feeling, so I suppose I was expecting a miracle to happen in the immediate aftermath of the affair.

As I've mentioned earlier, my low moods appear to be getting better, and I can look back and not experience the same depressing feelings as before. Some of my problems, I know, are not helped by the fact that I have been really (and I mean REALLY) fatigued due to long-term insomnia, and I am sick to death of the hot flushes, especially the ones that wake me in the night. I was taking some supplements formulated for the menopause, but they were not all that effective on any of the symptoms. I recently found myself becoming more upset with the menopausal issues, especially the hot flushes, than with the affair issues. They were probably intermingled at first, the menopause starting as a result of the stress caused by the affair, but I think the menopausal issues have now taken more of a front seat. Earlier this week, therefore, I went to see my doctor and agreed to have HRT. It is something I've fought against since all this started, but I have now had just about enough and, as my doc said, I needed to get my life back. So, on Tuesday last, I started on a fairly low dose oestrogen patch which is changed once a week. We'll see how it goes. I'm hoping for a new lease of life!

Friday, 22 February 2008

Closer to closure

Although I feel a lot more settled now, I have been thinking long and hard about why I still get this anxiety now and again. If it is affair related and not hormonal, I want to get to the bottom of it so that I can deal with it and move on. What's really bothering me with all this? Why can't I just settle down and get on with life? Why does T bother me so much? Why do I keep running imaginary situations through my mind? I keep thinking the project will resume and I dream up different scenarios as to what might or might not happen if it did? Could I get T replaced with a different translator? Could I prevent K participating? Could I play a role in the project this time, and watch over what happens? It's all very exhausting. THIS THREAD on Marriage Builders gives some insight as to why we obsess over the mistress so much. It's not just me, apparently, who goes through this obsession.

So, first and foremost, I need to get to work on eliminating this obsession with T, and what she may or may not do in the future. I do understand that when she is in my thoughts, she is controlling my life, rather than me controlling my own life. She will not do this to me any longer - she will no longer hold that power.

Turning my attention to home, I have been trying to think if there is still something that K has or has not done which may still be bugging me and that I need to deal with. Perhaps I've been transferring all my anger to T and not dealing with the real issues here. Perhaps that's why I've been on the verge of leaving so many times when the slightest thing happens to upset me. So, I've done some deep thinking and tried to be logical about it. There are still a couple of sticking points that keep cropping up, but I am loathe to bring them up again and again. Perhaps we never worked through them properly. Perhaps they are things I just need to forget and not worry about. I am trying to remember that K deals with things in a totally different way. I think he did feel remorse and guilt; he just didn't show it too well.

I don't think I've cried for almost two weeks now! That's a feat in itself. I'm also undergoing a course of acupuncture, which I have to admit appears to have made a little difference to my sleeping (after only two sessions). I still wake up in the night, but somehow I feel more rested in the morning. Perhaps all the supplements are now having an effect too. I think it's a possibility that I haven't been absorbing them properly, with all the turmoil my system has had over the past two years. I certainly feel a bit more alive, although I was quite tired last night and fell asleep in front of the telly again. I am conscious that I have to take it easy so that my already-lowered adrenal function does not suffer even more. We have started to go out walking at the weekend, and that has been very invigorating. At first I was reluctant and would have been quite happy to potter around the house all day, but I forced myself and I am really glad I did. I'm looking forward to this weekend's trip now. I'm not sure where we're going yet, but we have had two trips to the Yorkshire Dales (pics will follow), so it may be somewhere different this week.

I haven't heard any MPeople songs for some time and this one was played as we were on our way to work the other day. I bought the album (Bizarre Fruit II) when it was released (1995), and this song always inspired me. I think I was in a personal development phase at the time. Heather Small, she of the 'big hair', has a very powerful voice. I wasn't sure whether the band, from Manchester, England, were still going, but looking at one of their fansites, I see that one of the tour dates last year was in Poland!! (You see, I can't get away from this, even doing the most innocuous of things) Anyway, I was quite uplifted when I heard it again, and I have been humming it to myself ever since to see if it might lift me up some more. Mind you, the following song was 'Heartbreaker' by Dionne Warwick!! Sometimes you just can't win.



Sometimes the river flows but nothing breathes.
A train arrives but never leaves.
It’s a shame.
Oh life - like love that walks out of the door,
Of being rich or being poor.
Such a shame.
But it’s then, then that faith arrives
To make you feel at least alive.
And that’s why you should keep on aiming high,
Just seek yourself and you will shine.

You’ve go to search for the hero inside yourself,
Search for the secrets you hide.
Search for the hero inside yourself
Until you find the key to your life.

In this life, long and hard though it may seem,
Live it as you’d live a dream.
Aim so high.
Just keep the flame of truth burning bright.
The missing treasure you must find
Because you and only you alone
Can build a bridge across the stream.
Weave your spell in life’s rich tapestry -
Your passport to a feel supreme.

You’ve go to search for the hero inside yourself,
Search for the secrets you hide.
Search for the hero inside yourself
Until you find the key to your life.

Thursday, 14 February 2008

Today....

.....I received this. Taken in semi-darkness with a mobile phone, hence the quality, but I was a little surprised by this, to say the least, as we don't normally do Valentine's Day. It's been a long time since K bought me one of these. I was totally bowled over.


Edited 17/02/08 to add some better photos. I wanted to take some nice photos before it faded away. I could perhaps do even better than these. I would like to frame one or two, as a reminder.



Saturday, 9 February 2008

Taking control part 2

Well, another night of waking early so here I am at 5.30am!

I know you're supposed to take baby-steps when making a plan of action to do something, but I need to do many things at once in order to get to my goal, so perhaps putting them in writing will keep me more motivated.

Apart from my idea to try acupuncture, the nutritionist did give me a bit of advice about how to deal with my low adrenal function. She did say that I shouldn't do anything too strenuous in the way of exercise, in order not to drain the adrenals even more, and suggested yoga or tai chi. I mentioned this to K and he thought we had a tai chi video somewhere. I can't remember buying one, let alone watching it, but he found it last night. Unfortunately, when we hooked up the video player it appeared to be dead. We tried another video, which would not play and it got stuck inside the machine. It hasn't been used for some time, as we bought DVD recorder some time ago. This also had problems a while ago, but we then had Sky+ satellite installed, so we don't need either any more, as this records straight onto a hard drive in the satellite receiver box. We do have a spare DVD player, and I think the recorder still plays even though it no longer records, so I might look for a DVD this week.

With regard to external triggers, I've stopped looking at lorry number plates, just in case one of them is Polish registered. Of course, consciously NOT looking still causes some emotions, but eventually it will be second-nature and it won't act as a reminder trigger.

There are some issues that I'm not sure how to solve at the moment. Such as why some songs bring negative thoughts into my mind. And sometimes, bringing my overactive imagination into play again, I imagine scenarios where I could have done something different about this. I imagine back to when I found the text messages and see myself being more in control and not being a doormat. I look back to certain incidents throughout the time they were still in contact, before d-day, and I imagine a totally different outcome where I am able to stop things progressing; and that if I'd known about Marriage Builders back then I would have been able to do this or that, as they suggest.

I know all this is just rehashing the affair over and over again, to no real purpose, but I really hate it when things overtake me. I need some mind changing tactics, but I will work on that. I don't think this is causing me too much grief, and I think the other things, especially the health issues, are more important at the moment. Once they are sorted perhaps this latter issue will fall into place.

Anyway, we're off out today, so I'll go and wake K with a cup of tea and catch up with you later.

D, checking out at 06.20.

Friday, 8 February 2008

Taking control

Since my previous post, I have been taking stock of the situation and attempting (as far as I am able) to think more clearly about all the stuff still preying on my mind; assessing where I'm going wrong; and trying to formulate a plan to bring it all to an end, by whatever means possible. I have come to certain conclusions as to what MAY be causing these ups and downs, so I need to attack those things head-on, otherwise I will never recover, either mentally or physically. Apart from the hormonal rollercoaster, there are certain things that I believe are contributing to my inability to fully recover and really enjoy life. This may all sound very crazy to some people, but believe me, if you've lived through something like this, anything is possible. I don't think I'm unique in having these obsessions, according to things I've read.

Yesterday was a very bad day. We were supposed to be starting our new health regime by going swimming after work, but that was cancelled as I woke with a bit of a headache which never really went away, despite taking painkillers. Later in the day I started to feel quite nauseous and we had to leave work early. I did later manage to eat a little food and when K went to watch some football I decided that I had to make a start on addressing my problems. I rested on the bed and thought about the major stumbling blocks holding me back and what could be done about them. I have been quite emotional for a few days now, so trying to think clearly did not come too easily.

Firstly, I needed to address my very unhealthy obsession with T - which includes her motive for the affair (as I have assumed, correctly or incorrectly), but also her subsequent actions when it was ended, and mainly revolves around the comments in her emails, particularly the veiled insult towards me in one of her final emails (I think this may be one of the major stumbling blocks in all of this). So, on this score, I have now moved all the emails (which had been printed off and were sitting in my bedside drawer, and looked at on a fairly regular basis), placing them in a sealed envelope in a place where I do not regularly look. I initially kept them for the purpose of producing them as evidence of harassment if she'd carried on with these emails, but at least they are still available should she decide to start up again. I know if I really wanted to continue looking at them they are reproduced on the other blog, but at least there they have my responses to her ramblings, which makes me feel a little better about them. I should, perhaps, try looking at these emails (and T) in a different light - see if I can bring myself to give her the benefit of the doubt. She may, after all, have been quite genuine in her obsession with K, and genuinely distraught when it ended. Perhaps my thinking could be changed to feel some empathy towards her. We'll see - I'll have to really work on that one.

Next are the anniversary trigger dates, which I can just about remember without too much prompting (e.g. in February two years ago, there was the incident with the 'icy stare' from T, when we all met up to go out for the evening when the group was over here. And one year ago this week, K received one of the final emails from T). All the pertinent dates (when K was over there, or they were over here) were marked in my diary pages of 2006, which, for some reason, I had held on to. I occasionally looked through the pages (they were with the emails) and noted certain dates that jumped out at me as being significant anniversary dates. I was under the impression that this was not causing me any problems. So, to address this issue, last night I had a 'shredding ceremony' where the diary pages went through the paper shredder. I would have liked to have burned them in the chimenea, but it was quite cold out, and getting a bit late to be outside trying to light a fire!

Even after doing only those two simple things I immediately felt a lightness I haven't felt in a long time. The lightness wasn't to last, though, as I had an absolutely horrendous night, waking at about 1.30 and not being able to get back to sleep at all. At 3am I just burst into tears (again) and went to make a hot drink. A short time later K came down and persuaded me to come back to bed. I thought I would never stop crying - it was awful. Why does sleep elude me like this? We just laid there holding hands and eventually somehow fell asleep. I had cancelled the alarm, which normally goes off at 5.50, thinking we would probably be awake by then anyway, but was amazed when I finally awoke at 7.15. I still felt like death warmed up, and was in two minds whether to go to work or not, but after a shower and breakfast I felt I could face the day, albeit my eyes didn't quite feel fully open. I've managed to get through the day OK.

Next on the list is to address the health issues, or at least try to. I am still taking loads of supplements, but I don't know whether they are just not having any effect, whether I'm taking the correct ones, or whether I'm simply not absorbing them properly. I have ditched the nutritionist for now, but I had been thinking of trying acupuncture, as I'd read that it can help with menopause issues and insomnia, so today I found a clinic in the centre of town where I work and I have booked in for a treatment next week, so we'll see how that goes. I'm certainly avoiding HRT if at all possible, although I almost admitted defeat the other day. To get the fitness regime started, we are going out for a nice walk tomorrow in the fresh air, and we may possibly try and fit in the swimming as well on Sunday morning, depending how I feel on waking. If not, we will go one night after work next week, as we'd intended yesterday, to the one in town. I am also trying to go on the exercise bike a couple of times a day. Once the weather gets better, we will get the proper bikes out. So, some action there.

Looking at this more logically, and feeling a bit more at ease today, I don't think I need to get away - I think that was just a knee-jerk reaction to the way I am feeling at the moment, brought on by hormonal imbalance and extreme fatigue. I have to remember to look above and beyond the immediate feelings. I'm already feeling a bit more confident of better things to come. I just hope this confidence will last! And that the better things do arrive!!

Wednesday, 6 February 2008

Just my imagination, once again, running away with me

I can't stop it! Why, oh why, do I keep on with this? It's so infuriating to be constantly in a whirl about things that may never happen, or still fretting over things from the past. I thought that writing the other blog would purge this remaining anger, but still I keep thinking that I would really like to go over there and give her a good slap. I am retaining far too much resentment over this - and I think some of it is towards K, and not just T. I've been losing my temper at really trivial things (probably the hormones at fault here), which makes K flare up and then we're not in the best of moods again. Then my imagination really does run riot, and I think that I really would be better off out of it and start to plan my means of escape from this torment. Trouble is, I still don't know whether I am fully able to decide whether this is the right choice or not. And would the torment go away if I was on my own?

Early on in this nightmare I was very tempted to leave (several times), but thought perhaps it was not the time to make such a rash decision, when all the emotions were very raw. I tried to concentrate on the good times and put the bad times behind me, but they always came back to haunt me, as they appear to be doing now. We're not exactly falling back into old habits - it is 100% better than our 'old' marriage - but we're just not quite there yet in terms of having a 'perfect' relationship (whatever that is). I just wish I could turn off my brain for a short while.

Perhaps it's the hormones. Perhaps it's because I'm so exhausted through not sleeping. Perhaps I will just never fully get over this. I don't know which way to turn. I just wish it would end.

Tuesday, 29 January 2008

Time flies

Well, it's our 26th wedding anniversary today. I really don't know how we got this far. Last year I thought it was over, as our 25th wasn't all that spectacular, I have to say. I cried this morning (waking up at 03.30 again didn't help) and after tossing and turning for an hour or so, and the relaxation recording on my mp3 player not having the desired effect, I came downstairs to the computer and made a cup of tea. K stayed in bed, but came down a while later with a lovely card and I cried again. The verse was very loving, but not too mushy. Our cards to each other have never been mushy, but neither have they had long, flowing verses. Always short and to the point. We've never done 'sentimental' as it's something K never appeared to be into - being a very matter-of-fact person. So now he's buying cards with long, flowing, sentimental verses. I expressed a certain regret that our relationship wasn't like this before. Anyway, we're off out for a nice meal at the weekend and possibly a walk in the countryside. We haven't really been out anywhere for some time.

On the subject of cards, the one I bought K for his birthday last August is still on display! The verse in that made him cry, and when I asked a while later why it was still on the shelf, he said that it meant a lot to him. I don't know how long it will be there - perhaps until the next birthday! Whether he actually reads the verse now and again, I don't know. Maybe it's there for when I go on one of my mood swings and he can look at it and be reminded of my true feelings for him. I think he gets a bit anxious when I start to go downhill.

I had an appointment with my nutritionist last week, and the results of my saliva tests are that I have Adrenal Fatigue. I have to say that, although I've felt a bit better with the stuff she's been recommending, I think we've been going round in circles, so I told her that I was giving it a rest for a while, and that all this health anxiety wasn't helping me either. (It could also be that time is a factor, and I may be getting to the stage where things are not troubling me as much as they were a while ago) She understood, but wouldn't prescribe anything further without me being monitored, so she just suggested tai chi or yoga and some mild exercise, and to drink herbal teas containing ginseng and liquorice to boost the adrenals. I recently started some herbal supplements (as read about in a menopause book, not prescribed by the nutritionist) and the hot flushes do appear to be getting fewer and less intense.

The sleep recording I mentioned earlier is OK, but I am not too sure that it will work. Previously, I've set the player to play once and then stop, but I wake in the early hours and have to set it going again in order for it to get me back to sleep. Depending on the time of waking, this may or may not work. Last night I set the player to keep looping so that it would play all night, but that still didn't work - I woke at about midnight, then 02.00, then 03.30 and that was that till I decided to get up at about 05.00. By then I was a little fed up of the plinky-plonky tones and jungle sounds! This is one thing that I wish I could get sorted, as I have tons to catch up on, but it all seems so overwhelming at the moment, being constantly fatigued. K is trying to help, but he's not too full of beans himself. Ah well.

Sunday, 20 January 2008

It's not important

I have adopted this new motto to help me stop obsessing about the affair. I've decided that I must stop worrying about the events of the past couple of years, stop obsessing about T, especially now that I have done my 'reply' to her emails, and stop with all the information on how to survive infidelity. Whenever I start to think these overwhelming negative thoughts, I just say to myself, "It's not important" and try to replace them with better thoughts - not easy, but at least I'm trying now, whereas previously I was letting the negative thoughts win. As I entered this new phase, I decided to have a new display name and profile tag line. I am no longer 'just surviving' - I think I have well and truly survived! And I think I have come to terms with it all now, so I am moving into this new future in a better frame of mind.

I had a bit of a setback with this process the other night when I had trouble actually getting to sleep (normally I can drop off OK - it's the waking later in the night that's the problem, and sometimes not getting back to sleep again). This was my overactive imagination at work. I have always had a habit of creating scenarios in my head. Sometimes this helps in problem solving, and sometimes it's a means of escape from everyday life: imagining all sorts of weird and wonderful events! I've done this all my life. Anyway, the other night I was dreaming up an imaginary scenario where the project started up again and I was arguing with our boss about whether K should be involved, and writing to the project leader in Poland trying to get T replaced as translator. This all came about because I remembered there was talk that there may be a second phase of the project after about a year/18 months (but it depends on funding). I started to panic that something might happen soon and I was just working through in my head what I would do if it did - trying to figure out all the alternatives if boss didn't agree. I like to be prepared for any eventuality. Of course, it was totally the wrong thing to go to sleep on!! It must have taken me almost two hours to drop off, but I was still awake again a couple of hours later, and again a bit later. Needless to say, I wasn't too good the next day!! So, this fired my resolve to start changing my thinking.

So what has made me reach this turning point? Probably the most important reason is for my health and well-being. All this stress was really dragging me down, as well as having to cope with the hormonal rollercoaster as well. At least my other gynaecological issue (mentioned a couple of posts ago) seems to have been sorted out. I have been on various pills and potions since May 2006 and it's not been fun, but I think I am almost at the point of conquering the health issues. At least I hope so, because I can't go on with the disturbed sleep for much longer. The mood swings seem to be easing a bit now - I can go longer without a major breakdown and they don't last as long. I have some more supplements arriving this week, which I hope will sort me out a bit more, and I see my nutritionist on Thursday for the results of some tests I had to see if I have an adrenal fatigue problem. I think it will be my last appointment, as it's cost me a small fortune over the last six months in consultation fees and supplements and tests and dietary extras. I think I now know what needs to be done.

Sleep is still the main problem, coupled with the hot flushes. Some nights are better than others. I have discovered that alcohol doesn't help with the flushing, especially at night, so I have cut back - not that I drank a lot anyway. I have been trying a sleep CD, but it hasn't worked very well and I'm returning that for a refund, but I have another meditation/relaxation tape, which I have had for some time, and which did help a little when I last used it (mid 2006, after discovering the text messages and before I discovered the affair had been physical and not just emotional) so I may try that again. I'm not sure, though, if meditation techniques will work if there's some underlying physical condition at play. We'll see. I think I just need to calm down more and stop worrying about stuff - it's something I've always done, but it's never affected me as much as this. I seem to be turning this into a health blog!!

Where has the time gone? I can't believe it's our 26th wedding anniversary this month - it doesn't feel so long ago it was our 25th. I certainly feel much better about this one.